When The Sloth Was Fast

Once upon a time, the sloth was the most dangerous animal in the Savannah. It was as fast as a cheetah, as strong as a bear, and as loud as a lion. In fact, it ate lions for breakfast. (And most other animals for lunch and dinner.)

This had become a big problem, and all the other animals gathered to figure out how to save themselves from the sloth. They knew the sloth was very prideful, boasted a lot, and thought he was the best at everything. They were sure that if they beat him in a competition, they could get him to leave.

So, the fastest Cheetah in the Savannah volunteered to face the sloth. He went to the sloth and said, “I am the fastest Cheetah in the Savannah. I bet I am even faster than you.”
The sloth replied, “let’s race and find out who’s faster. But if I beat you, I eat you.”
“Fine,” the Cheetah replied, “but if I beat you, you’ll leave the Savannah.”

All the animals lined up to see the Sloth and the Cheetah race. When they started, they both took off with lightning speed. It was like Sonic racing The Flash. Nobody could tell who would win. By the finish line, however, the sloth was the clear winner by a large margin. He ate the Cheetah.

So, the animals needed a new champion. A shark volunteered to race the sloth. “Even if he is the fastest on land, there’s no way he is the fastest in the water.”
He went to the Sloth and said, “I am the fastest shark in Africa. I bet I am even faster than you.”
The sloth replied, “let’s race and find out who’s faster. But if I beat you, I eat you.”
“Fine,” the Shark replied, “but if I beat you, you’ll leave the Savannah.”

All the animals lined up on the shore to see the Sloth and the shark race. When they started, they were both like torpedoes tearing through the water. Nobody could tell who would win. By the finish line, however, the sloth was swimming faster than a boat, and was the clear winner by a large margin. He ate the shark.

So, the animals reconvened. This time, the loudest lion in the Savannah stepped forward. He went to the Sloth and said, “I am the loudest lion in the Savannah. I bet I am even louder than you.”
The sloth replied, “let’s have a competition and find out. But if I beat you, I eat you.”
“Fine,” the lion replied, “but if I beat you, you’ll leave the Savannah.”

All the animals made a big circle around the sloth and the lion to hear them roar. The lion roared first. He roared so loudly that many of the baby animals started to cry and the older animals held their ears in pain. Then it was the sloth’s turn. He roared so loudly that the lion went deaf. Then he ate the lion.

“My god, the Sloth is good at everything! We need to find something that nature would not let him be good at.” So, they sent the tallest giraffe in the Savannah to face down the sloth.
The sloth looked up at him and said, “If I beat you, I eat you.”
“Fine,” the giraffe replied, “but if I beat you, you’ll leave the Savannah.”

So, they held a competition to measure the sloth and the giraffe while all the animals spectated. A pair of monkeys held a rope, and one swung all the way up the Giraffe’s neck to take his measure. The giraffe was taller than a house! The monkeys started grinning — there was no way the Sloth could be taller than that. They would finally be free.

Then it was the Sloth’s turn. The sloth stretched himself out, and kept stretching and stretching until he was taller than the Giraffe. He ate the giraffe.

“Perhaps he can stretch himself up and down,” the animals thought, “but not side to side.” So, the fattest hippo in the Savannah decided to take on the sloth. When the sloth was bathing in the river, the hippo waddled up to him and said, “I am the fattest hippo in the Savannah. I bet –“
Before the hippo could finish, the sloth interrupted, “If I beat you, I eat you.”
“Fine,” the hippo replied, “but if I beat you, you’ll leave the Savannah.”

So, the monkey swung around again as the rest of the animals watched. The hippo was as wide and round as a boulder. The sloth ate him in one gulp, and was then wider than the hippo.

It carried on like this for months, with all the animals offering up their talents, only to be bested by the sloth. It was only after all the other animals were bested that a wrinkly old elephant spoke up. He was scrawny for an elephant and not much to look at. When he proposed that he face the sloth, the other animals sighed. They figured that, at that point, it couldn’t hurt to try.

So, the elephant went to the Sloth, and said, “I am the oldest and wisest elephant in the Savannah. I bet I can remember more than you.”
“If I beat you, I eat you.”
“If I beat you, you leave the Savannah.”

And so, the various animals found themselves lined up in front of the Sloth and the elephant, although not all the animals came this time. The elephant began telling stories about the history of the Savannah. Of the kingly lions who had ruled over it before, of the the beautiful torrents of the monsoon and the lush foliage it allowed for, of the fires that raged for miles and bathed everything in their crimson hue. He showed them the proof of his stories too, like the layer of ash that could be found by digging deep enough into the dirt. He even told of the days of his youth, when there were far more animals and no sloth. (Leaving out, however, that the two of those things were related.) And so, he spun his tale to the various animals assembled before him for several days and nights. The crowds grew every night, and before long all the animals stood before him in awe.

Then, it was the Sloth’s turn to speak, and it was his turn to be awed. He was silent. The elephant knew of a time even before the sloth. And so the sloth was bested.

That is why there are no sloths in Africa today — they fled to South America and gave up their various talents for a life of quiet, slow meditation and eating leaves in the trees. It’s better this way.